A Defensive Situation
by Kat097
Summary: When Raoul and Christine set out to destroy the evil of phanfiction, they enlist the help of Erik. Needless to say, things don't quite go to plan. Especially when Erik and Raoul discover the joys of phanfiction and inevitable wackiness ensues.
1. In Which Raoul Makes An Announcement

Disclaimer: What would you do if I said that I DID own all the characters? Hmm… something to think about.

**A Defensive Situation**

Erik sat in his cellar and flicked the between the television. Why was there never anything on during the day? All the good programmes were on at night, and he couldn't watch them then! He was working then. After all, what sort of Opera Ghost appeared in broad daylight? It just didn't give off the same effect!

He sighed and got up to pour himself some milk. Nadir had laughed when he had found out about the Phantom's strange addiction to the white stuff. Erik had soon solved that problem with a little Punjab threatening. Unfortunately, he couldn't ban Nadir altogether. Even _he_ needed a little company occasionally.

As Erik closed the refrigerator door he sighed. This was all Christine's fault. If she hadn't run off with that pretty boy Viscount, he wouldn't have to put up with Nadir all the time. No, he'd be too busy with Christine. Singing, kissing, some more singing…

Erik liked to sing. But these days nobody could be bothered to listen.

Just as he was about to settle down to watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (What could he say? He enjoyed the occasional episode. Although that musical one… he'd had to stuff cotton wool in his ears to stop the bleeding) when Nadir rushed in, looking excited.

"Erik! Turn to the news!"

"What have I told you about-?"

"Just do it, Erik!" Nadir said. Erik changed channel. It must be urgent. Either that or Nadir was getting a little big for his boots…

But when Erik turned onto the news channel, his jaw dropped. Because Raoul de Chagny was onscreen.

"Hey! The Fop!"

"Listen!" Nadir said, putting the volume up.

_"The Viscount de Chagny made this announcement earlier today…"_ The camera zoomed in on a distressed looking Raoul. Erik noticed, with a slight twinge, that Christine was standing nearby. Although she looked a little annoyed.

"I would like to put a stop to a few rumours that have been circulating about myself and my wife, Christine. I found a few rather distressing this out while on the internet, in a section about 'fanfiction'."

Erik looked confused.

"What's fanfiction?"

"Stories, written by fans. Shh!" Nadir hushed. Erik was sorely tempted to Punjab him but listened to the fop.

"I would like to announce that I am none of the following things and this will be confirmed by Christine." Raoul said miserably. He cleared his throat and read off a list.

"I am not: A pansy, romantically interested in Meg Giry, romantically interested in the Phantom of the Opera, a wife-beater, a drunkard, a rapist or a fop. I would also like to point out that Christine and I are not going to get divorced and that I am not a bad person. So please, PLEASE stop writing stories of this nature."

Christine nodded vehemently after each statement. The screen changed back to a bemused looking newsreader and Erik turned the television off.

"I quite like the sound of this fanfiction. Except for the fop being romantically interested in me." He shuddered and headed for the computer. He didn't use it particularly, but had found solitaire to be quite entertaining once in a while.

Nadir sat next to him as he began to investigate fanfiction. Or phanfiction. Whichever you prefer.

"My god, there are some bad spellers out there." Erik said disgustedly, "And why do they keep substituting the f with a ph?"

"I have no idea. Are there any about me?" Nadir asked hopefully. Erik shook his head.

"Not really. You're not in the new movie."

"That wasn't my fault! They couldn't get anyone to play me." Nadir said sulkily. He found a gameboy and settled back in a chair to play it. Various pieces of equipment had been sent to Erik by well-wishers over the years and Nadir found some of it quite amusing.

Erik trawled the many pages of fanfiction.

"Why do they keep using song lyrics as titles? That's just unimaginative. Although most of them have got the right idea… they mostly agree that Christine should have stayed with me!"

"They also think that you're stalking Christine and raising a child down here. In the world of fanfiction, children regularly get dumped on the steps of the Opera House and you're always nice enough to take them in and bring them up." Nadir pointed out, making Mario jump over a toadstool. He paused and looked up at Erik.

"And if you're not bringing up a child, you happen to find a remarkably good looking chorus girl, who is not Christine, forget all about her and start teaching the new girl how to sing, inevitably falling love with her."

"As if that would happen!" Erik snorted. Nadir shrugged.

"Well, there are a few when you find a remarkably good looking chorus boy but…"

Erik gave him an evil look before turning back.

"Hey! Look, I found one with a high rating." Looking like a naughty schoolboy he clicked on and read a few paragraphs. Nadir peered over his shoulder and then snorted with laughter.

"Erik! I never knew that you were _that_ good! Or that you could do THAT with a lasso!"

Erik was about to hit the back button when the doorbell rang. He went to answer and stared at the pair who stood on his doorstep.

"Christine? And… the fop." He said, looking rather disappointed.

"I'M NOT A FOP!" Raoul screamed, collapsing in tears. Christine patted his head comfortingly and then turned to the bemused Phantom.

"Hello Erik. We need to talk."

"Is it about fanfiction?"

"I've never hit Christine! _Never_!" Raoul wept. Christine sat him down and turned to Erik, looking thoroughly disgruntled.

"I'm sick of it, Erik. They all think that Raoul's the bad guy. Apparently they saw the new movie, and when you had Raoul hanging by the throat with the threat of death on his head at any moment, it was all Raoul's fault."

"He DID barge in." Erik mumbled but Christine gave him a shut-up-and-listen look. She paced the cellar.

"I just don't know what to do! The phans-"

"With an f or a ph?" Erik asked curiously.

"A ph generally. Anyway, they keep showing up at our house and throwing things through the windows, demanding that Raoul release me back into your strong and loving arms." She snorted and then eyed him. "Have you put on weight?"

He had, but he wasn't going to tell HER that.

"Do you think the phans may have a point?" he asked hopefully but one glare told him that the answer was clearly no. Christine was about to start ranting again when her eyes fell on the computer screen. She scanned it and her eyes widened.

"I NEVER DID THAT WITH MY TONGUE!" She screamed. Raoul recovered from his crying and darted to the computer to look.

"Hey, we never do anything like this!" he said indignantly.

"RAOUL! Erik, why were you reading that!"

"I was… conducting research. Looking into ways to prevent Raoul's reputation being ruined."

"That's not all he was looking into apparently." Nadir sniggered. Christine and Erik gave him identical glares and he backed away.

Erik sighed and picked up his glass of milk.

"Why are you here exactly, Christine?"

"Because we need to do something about this fanfiction! It's ridiculous and demeaning!" Christine said hotly. Erik eyed her.

"Why should I help? 98 of the fans like me. There are about four RC shippers in the whole fanfiction world."

"You're not going to help?"

"Are you kidding me? I've got it great. People keep sending me free stuff and the fans like me. They also think you and I should give it another try."

"I'm MARRIED!" Christine pointed out. Erik shrugged. Worth a try.

Christine glared at him and then turned to Raoul.

"Well, what are we going to do? If I can get one more list of reasons why I should be with Erik I'm going to scream!"

"Lists? Really?" Erik said, intrigued. Christine gave him a deadly look and he backed down hastily. Then shrugged.

"Whatever. I'm not helping. I like the fanfiction."

Christine stared at him and then an evil look crossed her face. She marched over to the computer, pushing Raoul and Nadir out of the way. After a few seconds of searching she clicked onto a story.

"Here we are. A Raoul/Erik story. High rating. Still happy about fanfiction?"

Erik ran over and stared at the words. Raoul looked too and then screamed in an alarmingly feminine fashion. Erik went rather pale.

"Why… why…?"

"See, Raoul/Erik shippers seem to think that all those songs were ACTUALLY written for him and you were just using me to get to him." Christine explained. Erik looked as if his head were about to explode.

"But I was singing them for YOU! That's why I used the name 'Christine' at regular intervals!"

"They just don't see it that way. I'm telling you, they're all insane. Now, will you help?"

Erik looked down at the computer screen and then at the woman in front of him. A brave air crossed his face and he set his jaw firmly.

"Yes. I will help. I'm going to do what I do best." He said forcefully. Christine smiled.

"I knew I could count on you, Erik. Come on, Raoul."

* * *

Two days later Erik heard someone pounding on his door. He opened it and saw Christine and Raoul standing on the doorstep, looking irritated.

"Erik, you know you said that you were going to help?"

"I did."

"You sent them a _note_!"

"A STRONGLY-WORDED note." Erik said proudly. Christine stared at him.

"And you really thought that would work?"

"Yes!"

"Well it didn't! Eight more stories have gone up in the last five minutes. 5 of them are Erik/Christine, 2 are POV's about Erik/Christine and the last one was Raoul-bashing with Erik/Christine hints!"

Erik shrugged.

"I tried."

"You're useless!"

"Well what do you want me to do? Punjab them all?"

"It didn't stop you last time!"

"Last time they weren't on my side!" Erik said hotly, settling down to watch Buffy. Christine looked at him furiously.

"Fine. Fine! I'll just have to sort it out myself!"

She was about to leave when she saw the computer was on. She went to look and then stared at Erik.

"You're writing a fanfiction!"

"It looks like fun. Now be quiet, Buffy and Angel are fighting." Erik said distractedly. Raoul looked up.

"Which episode is it? I like the one where Buffy kills the vampires." Erik decided this wasn't worth replying to and sipped his milk.

Christine ground her teeth and promptly deleted the story without bothering to read it. Erik frowned.

"Hey! That's my story!"

"What pairing was it?" Christine demanded. Erik looked a little embarrassed.

"I don't want to say."

"Erik…"

"Fine. It was Christine/Meg."

"PERVERT!" Christine screamed, throwing a nearby lamp at him. Raoul stared at him.

"Christine/Meg? They have those?"

"Sure. Feel free." Erik said, waving at the computer. Raoul went to look but an evil glare from Christine sent him scurrying away. She turned on Erik.

"That's it! No more, Erik. If you won't help me, then I'm not coming back!"

"Whatever. Shut the door on your way out." Erik said crossly. Buffy had Angel at stake-point and she wouldn't stop jabbering in his ear.

Christine glared at him and then barked at Raoul.

"We're leaving!"

"Actually… I thought that I might…" Raoul said, looking longingly at the blonde Vampire Slayer.

"NOW!" Christine shrieked. Erik gave Raoul a pitying look.

"Good luck."

"Thanks." Raoul muttered, following his wife out.

Erik sighed as the break came on. Good thing he HAD let Christine go. Married life seemed to be vastly overrated. He went to the computer and began to type again. He wanted to finish that fanfiction before Buffy came back on. Good thing he'd backed it up.

**A/N: I don't know. I really don't know what the hell happened here. Lol, please just don't kill me and leave a review!**


	2. In Which Nadir Gets Worried

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 2**

Raoul sat at his computer, reading intently. You could get such a wide variety of pairings in the world of fanfiction. Well, mostly Erik/Christine. But even those were rather interesting!

He clicked onto another one and started to read.

"Raoul de Chagny, please tell me that you're not reading fanfiction again!" Christine snapped. Raoul looked rather sheepish.

"Not Raoul-bashing ones."

"Just last week you were distraught about the very existence of fanfiction! And now you've been sucked into it!" Christine pointed out crossly. Raoul tried to look aloof.

"I must have grown as a person. Did you know that Erik likes children?"

"No he doesn't, he hates them." Christine said. Raoul shook his head vehemently.

"No, he really does! He's always finding them abandoned outside the Opera House and raising them as his own!"

Christine groaned and called for the maid to fetch her some aspirin.

"And I keep finding ones where random women run into the Opera House and he falls in love with them. So maybe he didn't really like you that much."

"Yes, he did!" Christine snapped. Raoul looked at her and she flushed. "Well, he must have done."

"Not necessarily. Look, there are Meg/Erik ones. So maybe he really liked her and was just using you to get to her."

"Or maybe he was using me to get to YOU!" Christine shot back. Raoul whimpered and she sighed.

"Turn it off, Raoul. It's giving me a headache."

* * *

Nadir was worried. Erik hadn't moved from his computer for over a week. Not even the temptation of Buffy could pull him away. And Nadir had never known Erik to turn down an hour of lithe, blonde, leather clad Slayer.

"Erik, I'm worried about you."

"Shh! Christine and I are about to sing again!" Erik hushed him, reading manically. Nadir offered him a glass.

"Do you want some milk, Erik? You like milk."

"I'm reading, man!" Erik snapped, moving to click to the next chapter. And then he screamed. Nadir jumped.

"What? What is it? Erik's what's happened?"

"THEY HAVEN'T WRITTEN THE NEXT CHAPTER!" Erik shouted. He set his jaw and said solemnly,

"This calls for extreme measures."

"A note?" Nadir guessed.

"No! A _review_!"

He clicked the little blue button and started to type. Nadir read over his shoulder.

_Dear writer_

_I regret to inform you that should you not post the next chapter of this story within the next week, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. You have been warned._

_ Sincerely_

_ TheOneTruePhantom_

"TheOneTruePhantom?"

"Yes, it's my penname. Rather clever, don't you think?" Erik said, pleased with himself. Nadir looked at his friend sadly.

"Erik, you need to get some sleep."

"Nonsense, I'm fine." Erik said breezily, searching for another story. Nadir shook his head.

"This is for your own good, Erik."

And he switched the monitor off. Erik stared blankly at the empty screen and started to whimper. Nadir helped him to his feet and put him to bed.

"Go to sleep, Erik. The stories will still be there tomorrow."

"But I might have missed updates!"

"You can catch up later. Sleep now."

Still blubbering, Erik went to sleep. Sucking his thumb. This was worrying, Nadir decided. He had to do something.

So he decided to visit Christine.

* * *

"Nadir, thank god you're here! Raoul is obsessed with fanfiction. He hasn't stopped talking about it and trying to discover new pairings!" Christine said, practically pulling Nadir through the door. The Persian straightened his shirt and said,

"Erik's having the same problem. I just don't know what to do. Not even milk and Buffy can tempt him away!"

"It's _insane_! Most of it is poorly written tripe anyway! I've only found about four good stories on the whole thing!" Christine wailed.

Nadir looked at the poor girl in pity. She looked devastated.

"I'm sure we'll figure something out."

"But what?"

"…I didn't think this through." Nadir admitted. Christine sighed, pacing the room.

"All I wanted was to live happily ever after. I mean, every other fictional heroine gets to live happily ever after. Have you seen Cinderella lately? Little tramp, wandering around like she owns the world. She got happily ever after! That's what Raoul and I were supposed to get. Is that so much to ask?"

Nadir didn't answer. Christine sank into a nearby chair, looking thoroughly miserable.

"I sometimes wonder why I didn't just choose Erik. I know, because he's a murderer, mentally unstable and, frankly, smells a little strange. I mean, I love Raoul. That's why I married the guy, But things just seems easier with Erik."

They both jumped as a brick came hurtling through the window. Christine seized it. A piece of paper was wrapped around it. She read it quickly and then tossed it into the fire. Nadir blinked and she shrugged.

"Another E/C list. That's the third one this morning."

"Something has to be done."

"I know, but what? How can we beat the phans/fans? There are thousands of them!" Christine cried. Nadir considered and then said casually,

"You could try beating them at their own game."

"What do you mean? Writing a story about how much I hate stories? That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?"

"A tad. Or you could just make a public announcement that you have no intention of leaving Raoul and start using restraining orders on the phans/fans." Nadir suggested.

Christine smiled weakly.

"OK. I'll give it a try."

"Good. But first, could you come and see Erik? I'm really quite worried."

"Nadir, I doubt even dressing up as Buffy the Vampire slayer with a pint of milk in one hand would save him now."

She caught the look on his face and glowered.

"I am NOT dressing up as Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"

* * *

Erik sat hunched over the keyboard, typing feverishly as he posted review after review. Christine sighed sadly as she looked through the door with Nadir.

"I'll try to talk to him, but I make no promises."

She stepped out into the room and put her hand on Erik's shoulder. He glanced up in surprise.

"Christine! What are you doing here?"

"Nadir and I are worried about you, Erik. We think you have a problem."

"What on earth do you mean?" Erik said. Christine gestured at the screen.

"Fanfiction. It has to stop. You and Raoul are both being sucked into the evil that is fanfiction."

"It's not evil it's marvellous! Here, look at this! Even after I've kidnapped you, beaten you, locked you up and threatened everything you ever cared about you still like me!" He said, tapping the screen excitedly.

Christine looked at him pityingly.

"Erik, when was the last it you drank some milk?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because I think you need some." She handed him a glass and Erik drank. He wiped his mouth, tossed the glass to one side and went to check his favourite stories, hoping someone may have updated in the last five minutes. Christine groaned and sat down beside him.

"Erik, come on! When was the last time you caused some mayhem in the Opera House?"

"Can't remember."

"How many chandeliers have you destroyed in the last week?"

"None."

"How many ballet rats have you made scream?"

"Well, I've been a little preoccupied…" Erik said lamely. Christine sighed.

"You have a problem. I want you and Raoul to sit down and talk through your problems with a counsellor."

"I don't want to! I like fanfiction! It's perfectly healthy." Erik said firmly. Christine lifted an eyebrow and read a summary.

"Christine and Erik must battle against the forces that threaten their love. EC fluff. Oh _please_. And who is this 'evanescence'?"

"A band. They're rather good." Erik said. He held up a box. "I got their album."

"Erik! This has to stop! You and I are not getting back together and at this rate, Raoul and I will be history! There's no need to look so happy." She warned.

Erik's face fell and Christine got to her feet.

"Please Erik. Just stop reading it. You _and_ Raoul. Just turn to computer off, watch some Buffy, have some milk and maybe some of those Smartie cookies that you like. Write an opera. Do _anything_ except read fanfiction!"

Erik chewed his nail for a moment and then asked,

"Can I write it?"

"NO!" Christine snarled, pulling the plug for the computer. The screen went blank and Christine stormed from the cellar.

Nadir was waiting outside. He looked up from his newspaper as she came out.

"Well?"

"I think we need a new plan." Christine said crossly.

**A/N: OK, I was going to keep this as a one-shot but I couldn't resist putting a bit more. I expect there will be mroe chapters. I did a check to see if the username 'TheOneTruePhantom' exists and I don't think it does. but if it it does, I'm sorry! Lol, leave a review. **


	3. In Which Erik Falls In The Lake Again

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 3**

Erik was delighted. Nadir could tell that just from the back of his head. The Phantom rubbed his hands together, smiling manically. He put down the newspaper and sighed.

"What's going on?"

"I just wrote a flame." Erik giggled.

Nadir blinked.

"What?"

"A flame, man, a flame! When you tell a person exactly how bad they are and how disgusted you are with them!"

"You write those to the managers and Carlotta every week. What's so special about this one?"

Nadir got up and went to the computer. His heart sank as he read the flame.

_Hey! U suk. _

"What do you think?" Erik asked excitedly. Nadir looked at his friend sadly.

"Erik, what did Christine tell you to do?"

"Oh, I can't remember every little thing she says." Erik said dismissively. Nadir blinked at him.

"You don't?"

"After you've read this many stories, it all gets a bit confusing. Ooh, I haven't read this one." He quickly clicked onto a link.

Nadir stared at the screen.

"What on earth is an EOW?"

"Erik/Original Woman story. There's quite a few of them, but I do prefer EC." Erik said vaguely. Nadir considered him for a moment.

"You have Original Women?"

"Hmm. Extremely beautiful singers in need of my talents." He said. Nadir rolled his eyes and went to the phone. He quickly dialled Christine's number. She answered, sounding irritable.

"What?"

"It's Nadir."

"Any progress?" she asked hopefully.

"He's going downhill. He's started writing badly spelt flames."

"Oh, for goodness sake!" Christine cried. Nadir asked,

"How's Raoul?"

"Not much better. Fortunately he hasn't yet discovered how to review. I'm sick of it, Nadir. I'm considering just packing up and leaving."

"You're going to leave Raoul?"

Erik launched himself at Nadir, trying to snatch the phone away. After a few minutes of scuffling, Erik managed to get the phone, whilst sitting on Nadir's back, twisting his arm behind his head.

"Christine?"

"Erik is that you?" She said, surprised.

"You're leaving the fop? Really?" Silence and Erik gave a delighted chuckle. "Wonderful! You can come and live with me!"

"Not likely, Erik. Not if you're still reading fanfiction."

Erik considered.

"Alright… I'll give it up. If you come and stay with me for a week, I'll give up fanfiction."

"Erik, you _do_ remember that I'm married don't you?" He made a dismissive noise.

"Oh, that's alright. See if you can get Raoul to beat you up a little before you arrive so I can tenderly care for your wounds. Christine? Christine, are you there?"

He stared at the dead phone.

"She hung up."

"Erik?" Nadir mumbled.

"Yes?"

"Get off me."

* * *

Christine glared at the telephone. She was almost positive that Erik hadn't been this perverted before. Bloody fanfiction. She glanced into the next room, where Raoul was chuckling over a story.

"Hey, look at this one! You and Erik are about to run off to some foreign country and live happily ever after. Like _that_ would ever happen."

"It could have!" Christine objected. Raoul looked at her.

"What?"

"Raoul, I'm giving you an ultimatum. Do you love me?"

"Well of course I do! Why else would I have trekked through those nasty cellars and gotten all wet to rescue you?" Raoul said, blinking.

"Yes, I know. Apparently it would have been too difficult to use the lift." Christine said icily. "The point is that things have changed. Either you stop reading fanfiction or I'm leaving."

"What? Where would you go?" Raoul said, blankly.

"Actually, Erik has said I can stay with him, and I think I might. I'll be gone for a week and when I come back I want that computer gone and you to be over this obsession!" she told him crossly.

Raoul was about to jump up and protest when the computer beeped. One of his favourite stories had updated. He gasped in delight and threw himself at the screen, reading desperately.

Christine stared at him, burst into tears and stormed out.

* * *

There was a knock at the door to the cellar. Erik ignored it. Nadir glanced over at him.

"There's someone at the door."

"Open it then."

"It's your cellar, Erik."

"If you want to let them in, you can." Erik told him crossly, reading intently. There was another knock at the door and Nadir sighed.

"Erik, it's _your_ door!"

"I'm busy!"

Another knock at the door and a voice called out.

"Erik, are you there?"

"Christine!" Erik fell off his computer chair, running for the door but ended up tripping headfirst into the lake. Nadir rolled his eyes and went to the door. Christine smiled brightly at him.

"Hi Nadir. Is Erik in?"

"He's having a swim." Nadir said, gesturing at the lake. Christine stared at Erik, who was climbing out of the lake, absolutely drenched.

"Did you fall in again?"

"_Again_?" Nadir asked.

Christine nodded, dumping her bag on the ground.

"Oh yes. He brought me down here, after the first time I sang _Think of Me_. We were doing this great song and as he climbed out of the boat to welcome me into his home, he slipped and fell in."

"They left _that_ part out of the movie!" Nadir sniggered. Erik straightened his hair, putting on a dignified face, despite the water pouring off of him.

"Christine… how may I assist you?"

"You told me to come, so I did. One week and you quit reading fanfiction." Christine said, looking around the rather messy cellar. Erik flushed slightly.

"I was going to tidy."

"Hmm." Christine said, clearly not convinced. She glanced over at the computer and Erik started to make an excuse. But Christine simply marched over to the machine, switched it off, picked up the hard drive and dropped it into the lake. Erik's eyes widened in horror but Christine simply looked at him.

"There. Your first step is over. Where am I sleeping?"

He gestured to a door. Christine picked up her bag and walked over but she paused and glanced back at him.

"Erik?"

"Yes?" he said, looking over at her. She smiled.

"Two things really. One… thanks for letting me stay here."

Erik felt his heart jump as he smiled back.

"And the second thing?"

"Get that thing the hell out of here. It's creepy." She nodded at the mannequin of herself before going into her room. Erik glanced at the mannequin and Nadir said,

"I see her point. You could at least have put some clothes on it after she took the wedding dress."

"Oh, _fine_." Erik said sulkily, picking the mannequin up and stuffing it into a cupboard.

* * *

Nadir knocked on Christine's door.

"Come in." he went in and said,

"Settling in OK?"

"Yeah, it's good." Christine said, putting her bag into the wardrobe and looking around the room. Nadir checked to make sure that Erik was busy before saying,

"I've got to warn you, he's been acting a little… oddly."

"You mean more so than usual?" Christine asked. Nadir nodded and said,

"You might want to sit down."

She sat on the edge of the bed and he took a chair.

"Look, I've been doing some research into fanfiction… no, I'm not becoming obsessed, with it." He said, seeing the look on her face. "But I've found out some of the plots, and Erik has taken to… acting them out."

"Acting them out?"

"Yes. So keep your door locked while you're sleeping, keep your hand at the level of your eyes and for god's sake, don't start singing!" Nadir warned.

Christine stared at him.

"It can't possibly be that bad."

"Oh, it is."

They were interrupted by a loud smashing noise. Christine stared around.

"What the hell was that?"

"He's smashing mirrors again." Nadir said tiredly. He opened the door and they peered out. Erik was grinning widely, holding a candlestick in one hand, shards of glass lying around. Nadir sighed.

"Erik, you have to stop. We're running out of mirrors."

Erik looked at him blankly.

"Don't be ridiculous. We can buy more. Besides, it's fun." He hit out at another mirror and Christine shrieked as glass flew everywhere. Erik looked over at her.

"Unpacked already?"

"Yes…" Christine said, picking a piece of glass out of her hair. Nadir looked at her helplessly and she nodded.

"Erik?" she said, gently. He looked over at her and she went to him, talking the candlestick from his hands.

"Why don't we just put this down and watch Buffy for a while?" she suggested, guiding him to the comfy chair. He sat down placidly and she flicked the television on.

"There you go. You wait right here and I'll get you a glass of milk." She said, sounding very much like a nurse with a mental patient. Nadir rather admired her.

He went to the fridge as she poured some milk and whispered,

"Don't let him start playing any instruments if possible. Oh, and don't go swimming in the lake. Because then he'll think you're injured, rip his shirt off and jump in to save you."

"Why would he do that?" Christine asked, frowning. Nadir shrugged.

"Fanfiction is odd."

Christine sighed and handed the milk to Erik, along with a cookie. He nibbled absently, as Buffy stabbed a demon. Christine glanced at the screen. Much as she hated to admit it, Buffy actually had some nice clothes. Maybe dressing up as her wouldn't be so bad…

"Well, I'm heading off." Nadir said, pulling on his coat. Christine whipped around and stared at him.

"You're leaving!"

"Yes."

"But… I thought…"

"Christine, I DO have a life outside of Erik, you know." Nadir said tiredly. He passed her the gameboy.

"Here, this is fun. Erik usually eats in a couple of hours, but you might want to prepare your own food. There's plenty lying around."

"Why can't I let him do my food? Is he going to sleep some sort of drug into it and take advantage of me? God, phans/fans are crazy." Christine groaned.

Nadir looked at her oddly.

"No, that won't happen. Erik's just not a very good cook."

"Oh. Right. Can you do me a favour?"

"I suppose so." Nadir said, looking around for his keys. Christine handed them to him.

"Can you check on Raoul? I'm a little worried about him."

"Sure. Good luck, Christine de Chagny."

He shook her head solemnly and disappeared. Christine stared after him and then glanced over at Erik who was watching Buffy run through a cemetery.

It was going to be a _long_ week.

**A/N: Well, there you go. Chapter 3. Lol, funny thing happened. I intended this as a one shot but figured I might a well write another chapter because no one will ever read it.**

**This story has now been nominated in the Comedy/Parody category of the Phanfiction Readers Choice Award.**

**Ain't life funny? For more information on the awards, there's a link in my profile. Voting hasn't started yet, but nominations are still open. Spread the word, we want as many people as possible to know about these awards! **

**Anyways, leave a review, have a cookie and keep on reading.**

**Lotsa luv**

**Katie**


	4. In which We Meet Mr Punjab

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 4**

_Get me out of here,_ Christine thought desperately. Erik was bustling around the kitchen, stuffing a chicken and chattering happily.

"But Nadir thinks that Angel should kill Buffy, which just doesn't make sense. You know what I mean; it'd be like me killing you, which would never happen!"

Christine smiled, somewhat forcedly. What the hell was he putting in that chicken? It looked like rhubarb. Christine wasn't particularly culinary but she was pretty sure that chicken didn't go with rhubarb.

"Erik?"

"Yes?" he said, turning to her. She stared at his apron. _Kiss the Cook_. Oh dear God.

"I think I'll just order a pizza."

"But I'm making us chicken!" Erik said, pointing at the bird. He hadn't bothered to pluck it and feathers were flying in all directions. Christine smiled weakly.

"Yes… but… I really fancy a pizza."

"Oh. OK. As long as we can have pepperoni on it." Erik said, throwing the chicken into the lake. Apparently everything that he no longer needed ended up in the lake.

Whilst Erik ordered a pizza, Christine went to her room to find her handbag. She was reasonably sure that she was going to need some aspirin before the evening was out.

* * *

Erik scooped up a piece of cheese, pineapple and pepperoni pizza. His three favourite toppings. Nadir never let him order all three together. Christine, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind. True, she had taken the pineapple off, but she'd given it to him. That had to count for something, right?

Christine chewed her slice of pizza and Erik glanced at her sideways. Stupid fop. If it hadn't been for him, Christine would still be with him. They could sing all day, take boat rides on the lake, scare little ballet girls. That was always very entertaining.

Christine swallowed her mouthful of pizza and said,

"How's everything upstairs?"

"I have no idea. Haven't been up in a while." He admitted. She frowned.

"Why not?"

"I've been… preoccupied."

"Fanfiction?"

"Hmm."

She sighed.

"Well, I think it's time that you started wreaking some havoc. You can start slow. Maybe just some threatening notes."

"I could try…" Erik said, doubtfully. Christine smiled.

"I have faith in you. You can just work up to big stuff. I hear they've got a new chandelier in. The next time there's an opera on…"

Erik considered her.

"That sounds fun. But for now I think I'll just eat some pizza. Can I have your pineapple?" She passed the little pile of yellow chunks to him and he dotted them over the slice of pizza. Christine smiled.

"This is fun. I hardly ever eat pizza."

"Why not?"

"Raoul's worried about his carbs intake." She said dismissively. Erik eyed her for a moment and then snorted.

"What a pansy."

"Erik, Raoul is _not_ a pansy. He's simply taking care of himself. Which is more than I can say for you. When was the last time you showered?" Christine said sharply.

Erik didn't reply. He wasn't sure he wanted to answer that question.

"Well, you have to admit that he is a fop."

"No, I don't, because he's my husband!" Christine objected. Erik shrugged.

"Fine. Whatever. You know it's true."

"That's it. I'm taking my pineapple back." Christine said, snatching the fruit from him. Erik snatched it back. Christine held it out of his reach.

"You don't like pineapple!" he whined.

"It's the principle of it! Either you stop making fun of Raoul or you never get my pineapple again." she told him.

Erik pulled a face and turned away.

"Don't want it that much anyway."

"Fine." She tossed the handful into the lake. Erik jumped up in horror.

"Good God woman, what are you doing!"

"You said you didn't want it." Christine said innocently. He stared from her to the lake and stuck his bottom lip out. Christine rolled her eyes and went to put her plate in the dishwasher.

"I'm going for a shower. Can you keep yourself busy for half an hour?" she asked.

"Of course I can." He said haughtily. Christine sighed.

"Good."

As soon as she had gone into the bathroom, Erik made sure she was really occupied before sneaking into his bedroom and unfolding the laptop. A few minutes later he was online and greedily reading the latest updates.

* * *

Christine snuggled happily into the warm covers of her bed. This was nice. She loved Raoul dearly, but he always hogged the blankets. She'd forgotten how much she liked being single. At least Erik had never tried to steal her blankets. She'd caught him trying to take her underwear once, but after a sharp talking-to he gave up.

She slept peacefully for a while before a strange noise woke her up. She sat up, peering blearily around the room.

"Wha?"

"_Come to me, Angel of Music…_" said a haunting voice. Christine ground her teeth.

"Knock it off, Erik! I'm tired."

She lay back down but a few moments later he began to sing again.

"_Anywhere you go let me go too… Christine, that's all I ask of-_"

"Erik, SHUT UP!" Christine screamed furiously. Climbing out of bed she went to the door and wrenched it open. Erik jumped back, from where he had clearly been looking through the keyhole.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Er… winning your eternal love?" Erik guessed with a hopeful grin. Christine glared at him, aware that her hair probably resembled a mushroom cloud.

"Erik, it is 2 AM. I am tired and married. Now go to bed. _Your_ bed!"

She slammed the door shut and turned back to her bed. But before she could get back in Erik called out,

"I scraped my knee. Can you come and tenderly care for my wounds?"

"No. Go to bed."

"…Can't sleep."

"Why not?" Christine demanded.

"Too much pineapple. It makes me hyper."

Christine felt like crying. But instead she opened the door and looked at him. He was dressed in black and red pyjamas and looked rather sweet. Christine sighed.

"Fine. Go to bed, I'll make you some warm milk." Erik darted to his bedroom. Christine rolled her eyes as she stamped to the kitchen.

"This is _exactly_ why I don't want kids." She muttered.

When she got to Erik he was tucked into bed. Christine noted that he had a small teddy bear, which he had fashioned a little mask for. It was also holding a small noose. She sighed and handed him the milk.

"Drink this. I put some sleeping aid in it, it should knock you right out."

"Can you sing me a lullaby?" Erik asked. Christine eyed him.

"Nadir told me not to start singing and frankly I trust him a hell of a lot more than a grown man with a masked teddy bear."

"Leave Mr Punjab out of it." Erik said sorely. Christine sighed.

"OK, fine. I won't make fun of the bear. But I'm not singing. Drink your milk." He sipped it and looked at her again. She was looking around the bedroom casually.

Damn. He'd forgotten exactly how hot she was in her nightdress.

Christine glanced at the clock. She was exhausted and this was only the first night. She hoped Raoul was OK. And that he threw out the milk, it was out of date. And that he had stopped reading fanfiction. Had he even noticed that she was gone?

"Finished." Erik said sleepily, waving his empty mug at her. She took it and pushed him back into the pillows.

"Go to sleep."

"K, Christine." He yawned. Christine waited until he had drifted off and then smiled slightly. He was rather cute when he slept. Although, that thumb-sucking habit was a little worrying.

She returned to her own room and climbed into bed. Sleep drifted over her and the last thought before she went to sleep was _did I turn the boiler off…?_

_

* * *

_

Breakfast was an odd affair. Apparently the sleeping aid had been far more efficient than Christine had thought because when she woke up at 8:30 Erik was still flat out. She had a quick shower and was just trying to decide what to have for breakfast when Nadir came in, carrying bagels.

"Good morning. How was he last night?" Nadir asked, placing the box on the table and helping himself to coffee. Christine sighed.

"He was fine most of the time. We ordered pizza and he threw a tantrum after I told him to stop insulting Raoul. Then I went for a shower and left him to think about what he'd done. And he was OK after that, until about two in the morning when he started singing to me and trying to persuade me to care for his scraped knee."

"What did you do?" Nadir asked, munching a bagel. Christine smirked.

"Gave him some Nytol. Knocked him right out."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Nadir wondered aloud.

They were interrupted by a groaning Erik emerging, dressed in black trousers and a red shirt. He glared at them both before drinking two cupfuls of coffee without pausing for breath.

"Good morning Erik." Christine said casually. Erik mumbled something and took a bagel. Nadir said casually,

"Sleep well?"

"What the hell did you give me, Christine?" He demanded.

"Nytol. Because I was tired and you were keeping me up. Did you know that you snore, by the way?" Christine asked. Erik glared at her.

"I do not."

"Yes, you do. You also sing in your sleep. You kept singing The Proclaimers '_I'm on my way'_." Christine told him. Nadir snorted and Erik pushed him swiftly into the lake.

"No harm in a little musical variation." He said calmly, taking a third cup of coffee. Christine sipped hers and glanced over at the spluttering Nadir.

"How was Raoul?"

"Still reading when I got there. I managed to tear him away for an hour or so by playing 'I Spy' with him. He's really not very good at it, is he?"

"No. He spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what began with C before figuring out it was me." Christine said, smiling fondly at the thought of her husband. Erik scowled and Nadir said,

"I told him that you'd ring him today."

"I suppose I'd better make sure that he's not reading phanfiction." Christine nodded. She went to her room to use the phone and Erik slumped into his seat.

Nadir looked at him.

"Are you sulking?"

"No."

"Yes you are. You're pouting and everything."

"…Christine insulted Mr Punjab. That's all."

"And the fact that the woman you love is currently on the phone to her husband means nothing at all?"

"Why would it?" Erik demanded. Nadir shrugged.

"I don't know. But you might want to hide the Raoul voodoo doll, all the same."

After a moment's consideration, Erik realised that he was probably right and stuffed it into the cupboard with Christine mannequin.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! I really want a Mr Punjab… oh well, I'll have to do with hugging my POTO DVD. SQUEE!**

**Lotsa luv**

**Katie**


	5. In Which They Order Chinese Food

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 5**

Nadir spent the day with Christine and Erik, watching in amusement as they constantly bickered. Christine was continually pointing out things that he was doing wrong, to which Erik would repeatedly insult Raoul. This would lead to Christine pointing out something particularly irritating or disgusting, and Erik would remind her of her husband's addiction to fanfiction and the fact that when she had rung him up, it had taken him a few minutes to remember who she was.

At this point Christine promptly burst into tears, threw a candelabra at him and threw Mr Punjab into the lake. Erik screamed in a remarkably feminine fashion and dived in after his beloved teddy bear. Christine looked over at Nadir.

"I'm not going to survive a week, Nadir. You have to get me out of here!" she pleaded but Nadir shrugged.

"You promised to stay a week. You can't go back on your promise."

"I bloody well can if my mental state is at risk!" Christine hissed. Erik climbed out the lake, grinning manically and clutching Mr Punjab to his chest.

"Look! I found a penny in the lake!"

He waved the shiny coin at them and Christine started to wail into her hands. Erik looked shocked and handed the coin to her.

"Here. You can have it. Don't cry."

"I'm not crying about the penny!" she said. He frowned.

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm going insane! I can't stay here, Erik. I'll never survive the week." She sobbed. Erik blinked and looked at Nadir, who shrugged.

"Uh… well… if it helps, we can order pizza again. Without pineapple." He said, trying to be helpful.

Christine sniffed and looked at him. He was watching her with wide eyes, soaked from the lake and holding the drenched bear in one hand. She had to smile, although a little tearfully. Erik smiled back and went to leave Mr Punjab in a warm place to dry off. Christine glanced over at Nadir.

"Do you think this will work? That'll he'll stop reading if I do stay."

"Of course. He'd kill for you, Christine."

"I know, he did. Remember, Joseph Buqet?"

Nadir stared at her.

"Erik didn't kill Joseph Buqet."

"Yes, he did!" Christine replied. Nadir sighed and shouted for Erik. He came back.

"Yes?"

"Erik, did you tell everyone that you killed Joseph Buqet?" Nadir asked. Erik flushed slightly.

"Well… about that…"

"You _didn't_ kill him?" Christine said, shocked.

"No, he didn't. He found Joseph playing with his noose and told him to stop. Joseph freaked out at the sight of him and slipped. Erik just happened to be there." Nadir said.

Erik went bright red and Christine smirked.

"You never killed him? Have you ever killed anyone?"

"Yes, I killed the circus man."

"You were _eight_! Have you killed anyone since you became an adult?" Christine demanded. Erik swallowed.

"Well… I killed their spirit. By sending rude notes."

Christine snorted with laughter and Nadir smiled. Erik looked rather affronted. He interrupted their laughter by saying.

"Hey, I could kill someone!"

"Sure…" Christine said. Erik glared at her.

"I could! I'll kill Nadir, right here, right now!"

"Go on then!" Christine dared him. Nadir stopped laughing as Erik reached for his Punjab. Nadir hastily lifted his hand up and Erik glared at him.

"I'm going to kill that Giry woman. Did she tell EVERYONE about that 'hand at the level of your eyes' thing?"

"Only Raoul and he forgot anyway." Nadir commented. Erik grinned.

"Oh yeah… I would have killed him."

"You didn't though." Christine pointed out. Erik narrowed his eyes.

"Only because you got all seductive and started making out with me. _And_ you ruined the dress."

"It was only a bit of water." Christine replied.

"Not the point! Do you know how long it took me to get hold of that? You can't exactly walk into a dressmakers and say 'hello, I need a dress for someone who doesn't know yet, but I'm going to marry her. No, I don't know her size. No, I don't have any measurements. No, I don't have a second name or an address.' It would be ridiculous!" Erik said haughtily.

Christine, to her credit, did look a little impressed.

"So where did you get it?" she asked.

"Nadir made it." Erik said simply. Christine turned to stare at Nadir.

"You _made_ it?"

"Yes. I happen to be very good at making clothes. I make all of Erik's." Nadir said, modestly. Erik snorted but stared as Christine seized Nadir's wrist,

"Ooh, could you make me a copy of that dress from the Phantom of the Opera movie? You know, the pink one Christine wears to the Masquerade? I _loved_ that dress!"

"I'm sure I could manage." Nadir smiled. Christine squealed and hugged him. Erik smirked.

"You can do her a copy of that lingerie she was wearing during the _Angel of Music/The Phantom of the Opera/The Music of the Night_ scene as well. I'd have no complaints."

"Sure, do that as well. Raoul thought what's-her-name from the film looked good in that!" Christine said happily.

Wow. That plan backfired, Erik thought bitterly as Christine skipped away to her bedroom, humming cheerfully. Nadir checked his watch.

"It's almost time for lunch. Want me to run out for something?"

"Wouldn't say no to a Chinese." Erik said. Nadir nodded and called to Christine.

"We're having Chinese for lunch. Want something else?"

"No, Chinese is good. Make sure you get crispy duck and pancakes!" Christine called.

Nadir wondered exactly when it was that he became an errand boy. He also wondered why he wasn't getting paid for it.

* * *

After lunch Christine and Nadir persuaded Erik to go up to the Opera House to cause a little trouble. He eventually gave in and trotted off and Christine sighed, leaning back in her seat.

"I always wondered what it would be like if I chose Erik. Now I know. Pineapple and Nytol."

"Can I ask you something?" Nadir said, putting the Chinese food boxes in the bin.

"Sure." Christine said, stretching.

"Why didn't you choose Erik?"

Christine looked around to make sure that Erik was really gone and said in a hushed, almost embarrassed voice,

"Nadir, the thing is… I _was_ going to choose Erik."

"Really? What happened?" Nadir said, sitting down in fascination. Christine sighed.

"It was all such a big misunderstanding. See, he dragged me down here and I put on the dress. He was throwing a total tantrum and I was going to do this big song about how I loved him etc etc."

"And then Raoul showed up?" Nadir guessed. Christine nodded.

"Exactly. I tried to get rid of him."

Nadir frowned.

"You did? When?"

"Well… Raoul did his little song '_Free her. Do what you like, only free her'_ And I said, 'please Raoul it's useless.' I was trying to be subtle! Only then Erik got all weird, and strung him up by the neck. So I started kissing him, and he told me to get lost." Christine said miserably.

Nadir blinked.

"But… but you went back and gave him the ring?"

"I slipped my phone number inside. But I guess he didn't notice, cos he never called. I figured he didn't want me anymore and I married Raoul." Christine explained. Nadir looked at her sympathetically.

"Damn."

"Tell me about it. I mean, it's not that I don't love Raoul. He's a sweetie and I'm going to stick with him. But Erik is so…" she struggled for words. Nadir suggested,

"Sexy?"

"I'm disturbed that you think so, but yes."

"_I_ don't think so. But everyone else tells me that he is." Nadir said defensively.

Christine smiled and then sighed.

"So… that's what really happened. Bloody men, if they'd just listened to me we'd all be OK. Raoul would have found someone nice. I'd be with Erik. Not that I want to be, anymore." She said hurriedly. Nadir raised an eyebrow and she groaned.

"OK, fine. He's sexy. He's sex on legs. What's your point?"

"My point is that when you leave at the end of the week, will you be able to cope?"

"Of course. If I can get Raoul off fanfiction we can go back to normal." Christine said firmly.

Nadir didn't believe a word of it, but checked his watch.

"You'll want to move." He warned her.

"Why?"

"Buffy's starting in 42 seconds and you're in Erik's chair." She got up and moved to a different seat. In twenty two seconds Erik rushed in, leapt into his chair and turned the television on eagerly.

Christine looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

Stupid sexy phantom.

* * *

Stupid sexy phantom.

Raoul glared at the phone. Stupid Erik and his stupid singing, captivating stupid Christine.

No, wait, he liked Christine. Raoul sighed and looked over at the computer. There could be new updates. But for all he knew, Christine could be aware that he was reading fanfiction.

He liked Christine, he really did. And it wasn't like he was about to start beating her up because she'd gone to see Erik, despite what some of the writers on believed.

But he had his suspicions. And one of those suspicions was that Christine was in fact, not completely and entirely over Erik, hard as that might be to believe.

And the fact that she had gone to stay with him only confirmed this. The phans/fans were delighted, of course. He'd seen them having a party on the lawn. This had irritated him. Hello, he _was_ still married to her.

Stupid phantom and his stupid phans.

**A/N: If I'd had my way, the musical would have a bit like this – **

**Raoul: Free her! Do what you like, only free her! Have you no pity?**

**Erik: Your lover makes a passionate plea.**

**Christine: Please Raoul, it's useless.**

**Raoul: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I lo-**

**Christine: AHEM! I _believe_ I said 'please Raoul, it's useless.'**

**Raoul and Erik: Wha?**

**Christine: Now, Raoul, if you wouldn't make skedaddling.**

**Raoul: But… but…**

**Erik: Woohoo!**

**(Christine and Erik run off into the sunset, leaving Raoul standing there.)**

**THE END.**

**See? Wouldn't that have been so much better?**


	6. In Which Spike Is Shirtless

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 6**

The second day dawned. Not that Christine knew it was dawn, being underground and everything. She lay in bed, wondering if she should get up and dreading what she might find if she did.

Eventually she dressed and peered out into the main room of the cellar. There was no sign of Erik and she moved out into the living room.

However, she tripped over a cleverly placed piece of string, shrieked and fell head first into the lake. Erik came stumbling out of his bedroom as he heard her scream. His face lit up.

"Don't worry Christine, I'll save you!" He shouted. But first he ripped his shirt off and did a perfect dive into the water. He grabbed Christine and pulled her up to the surface. She spluttered and he pulled her ashore, slightly disappointed that she didn't seem to need mouth-to-mouth.

"Are you OK?" He asked. She glared at him and pointed at the string.

"Did you put that there?" she demanded. Erik hesitated but she glared at him so ferociously he hung his head.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So I could save you." he admitted. "And I did!"

Christine glared at him and he began to wonder if he'd made a mistake.

"Erik, if you EVER do that again I will personally string you up with your own noose!" she said, storming back to her bedroom.

Erik scratched the back of his head. That hadn't gone _quite_ as he'd planned it.

* * *

Nadir knocked on the door to Raoul's house. To his surprise, it swung open. He went in and looked around.

"Raoul? It's Nadir. Are you here?" he headed for the room with the computer, but to his astonishment Raoul was not there. Nadir looked around. The room was in complete disarray, the furniture broken, things strewn about and there was a piece of paper pinned to the door.

Nadir read it and his eyes widened.

"Oh crap. Christine is not going to like this."

* * *

"C'mon Christine… come out." Erik pleaded. Christine had locked herself in her room an hour ago and was now refusing to open the door.

"No."

"Please? I've got cookies!"

"You're not going to tempt me with baked goods, Erik!"

"I could sing for you." he offered.

"NO!"

He glowered at the door.

"Come out!"

"No." she said sullenly.

"Why not?"

"Because you're annoying me and if I come out you'll start acting out phanfiction plots!"

"No, I won't." Erik lied.

"You're lying!"

He was sorely tempted to kick the door, but didn't.

"I promise I won't. Look, I've got cookies and Buffy is starting in a moment. It's got Spike in it!"

There was a silence and she said warily,

"How much Spike?"

"He spends most of this episode completely shirtless." Erik promised. There was another stretch of silence and then she opened the door a crack.

"OK. I'll come out. But you have to do something first."

"What?" Erik said eagerly.

"Put a shirt on."

"OK. But you'll come out?"

"Yes."

She opened the door and Erik stepped back to let her out. Unfortunately, he hadn't had the foresight to remove the string. He tripped backwards over it, grabbed out at the nearest thing, which happened to be Christine and they both fell into the lake again.

"I didn't do that on purpose!" Erik said quickly. Christine stared at him in horror, realising that she was lying on top of him.

At that moment Nadir burst in and stopped in astonishment as he saw Erik and Christine, both soaking wet, lying in the shallows of the lake, Christine lying on top of Erik who had no shirt on. Nadir squeaked, turned around, went out, closing the door behind him. And knocked.

Christine jumped up and ran to the door.

"Nadir, it's not what it looks like!" she said hastily. Erik grinned.

"Might be what it looks like."

"No, it's not!" Christine said fiercely. Nadir looked from one to the other and then said,

"We have an emergency."

They stared at him.

"What is it?"

"Raoul's been kidnapped." Nadir said solemnly, holding a note to Christine. Erik snorted.

"Pfft. That's not an emergency. That's not even interesting."

"Shut up, Erik." Christine said crossly, reading the note. "Who kidnapped him?"

_To Christine de Chagny a.k.a Christine Daae a.k.a the Cheating Whore_

_ We have Raoul de Chagny as our hostage. We aware of the situation you are currently holding with the Phantom of the Opera and if you do not follow our instructions a disaster beyond your imagination will occur._

_ We are a secret group of Erik/Christine phans and do not feel that simply staying with Erik for a week is good enough, as this will no doubt break his heart when you leave. We have decided, therefore, that you will stay with Erik indefinitely._

_ We will contact you as and when we feel necessary. If you agree to these terms Raoul will be safe. If you choose to ignore our instructions, you can say goodbye to Raoul's foppy pretty boy hair. He will also be mercilessly tortured._

_ Inform us of your decision by sending an email to this address: __ECobsessivesanonymous POTO. com_

_Yours sincerely_

_ Erik/Christine Shippers United_

"Oh my GOD." Christine said in utter disbelief when she had read the note aloud. She looked over Erik, expecting him to be equally outraged and saw him lounging in his chair, his hands behind his head, grinning. She scowled at him and then turned to Nadir.

"Where did you get this?"

"Your house. I went to check on Raoul and that was pinned to the door. What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'll have to stay. I can't let them torture my husband. I'll have to email them." Christine said miserably. Nadir frowned.

"How? They said to stay in the lair, but there's no internet connection. You destroyed the computer."

Christine sank onto a chair holding her head in her hands. Erik felt a twinge and sighed.

"Is it really that bad being here?"

"Erik, you just tripped me into the lake. _Twice_." She said bitterly. Erik got up and went to his room, emerging a few minutes later with a laptop.

"Here. It's connected." He said sadly. Christine stared from him to it and then narrowed her eyes.

"You were reading phanfiction, weren't you?"

"Only a little bit." Erik said defensively.

Christine shook her head furiously and tapped onto the computer. Nadir looked at Erik sternly.

"Erik, really…"

"Oh, bugger off." Erik said grumpily, heading to the fridge for milk.

* * *

Christine paced the cellar, trying to figure out what to do. Erik watched her calmly and Nadir was watching the news. Erik said,

"Christine, I don't know why you're getting so worked up."

"My husband has been kidnapped. By YOUR fans!"

"You mean phans."

"Shut up! And they called me a cheating whore!" she said crossly, waving the paper at him. He shrugged indifferently.

"Well…"

"Erik, how could I have been cheating on you? We were never together!" Christine pointed out furiously. Erik stuck his lip out.

"And whose fault is that?"

Christine glared at him and didn't reply. She looked at Nadir, who shrugged.

"I don't know… I could try and track them down and find out where they're holding Raoul, but I wouldn't be able to get him out. I've met some EC shippers personally and they can be very violent. They've got a strange obsession with Punjab lassoes."

"If you can find him, we'll think of the rest afterwards. Just find him." Christine pleaded.

Nadir nodded and disappeared. Christine glared at Erik again who looked surprised.

"Hey, it's not like _I_ told them to kidnap him!"

"Oh, you were _thinking_ it." Christine snapped, going to her room and slamming the door. Erik shook his head in despair. Women…

* * *

Christine glared down accusingly at the piece of paper in her hands.

"Stupid phans. Fans. Whatever."

She threw the note onto the desk and collapsed onto the bed, cursing Erik under her breath. Men…


	7. In Which Madame Giry Is Very Annoyed

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 7**

Erik and Christine were watching _another_ Buffy episode when Nadir came back.

"No good. My sources are all empty, but they said they'd contact me if they found something out. Which episode is it?" He said, sitting down and taking a Smartie cookie.

"The one where Buffy's mum dies." Erik said casually. "They could have done it a bit more dramatically."

"It IS dramatic." Christine said crossly

"Not really. Vampire attack, much more interesting."

"Well, what do you know? You didn't even get on with your mother. She hated you." Christine muttered. Nadir began to choke on a cookie and Erik glared at him.

"Shut up."

"What?" Christine asked curiously. Nadir finished coughing and said,

"Erik's mother doesn't hate him."

"She doesn't?"

"No. She adores him."

"Nadir, will you just stop talking?" Erik said crossly.

Christine stared at Erik.

"You told me that your mother hated you! Remember, _a mother's fear and loathing_?"

"That's rubbish. She calls him once a week to see how he is. She thinks he's a banker." Nadir said.

"WHAT!" Christine laughed. Erik glared at them both and Nadir grinned, enjoying himself.

"She's a lovely woman. Lives in Brighton."

"Erik, why did you tell me she hated you?" Christine asked, bemused.

Erik began to pace the cellar.

"It sounds so much more dramatic! I live under an Opera House for crying out loud, I have tendency to overact. Which sounds more dramatic, my mother hated me from birth or my mother knits me a jumper every Christmas?"

Christine couldn't reply. She was laughing too hard. Nadir was chuckling as well. Erik reached for his Punjab Lasso and Nadir hastily stopped. Christine wiped her streaming eyes.

"That's wonderful. You know, if I knew where the hell my husband was, I'd be calling him right this minute to tell him all about it!"

Erik didn't reply. He looked around, found nothing to kick, so he picked up Nadir and tossed him into the lake before storming off to get some milk during the commercial break.

* * *

Christine spent the next day in her room with her walkman playing at full volume so she couldn't hear Erik talking. She could have used the CD player, but she didn't want to let Erik know about her Madonna obsession. He'd never stop teasing her…

If she'd been paying attention, she would have noticed something very odd.

The cellar was completely silent.

No smashing mirrors, no Buffy, no music. Nothing.

"Cos we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl!" Christine sang quietly along with the diva and then lifted a headphone. It seemed safe to come out and she was hungry. She took off her walkman and looked out into the cellar.

"Erik? Are you there?" No reply. Christine smiled and went to the fridge. She looked inside and sighed. Nothing but milk. She took some out and drank straight from the carton. She could get used to this…

And then a note on the fridge caught her eye. She pulled it off, wondering if Erik had gone out.

_To Christine **de Chagny**,_

_ We are a group of Raoul/Christine shippers and feel the need to inform you that we are **appalled**__at your behaviour towards the dear Raoul de Chagny. This wonderful young man has shown you nothing but love and you have scorned him, returning once more to the psychotic Phantom of the Opera._

_ Unless you instantly return to your husband and remember your wedding vows, we will be forced to take immediate action. To ensure that you DO go, we have kidnapped Erik the Phantom. We will contact you when we choose at your email address. Our email address is: _

**_Foplovers POTO. com_**

_ Yours sincerely_

_ The-Friends-of-the-Fop Society_

"You have got to be _kidding_ me." Christine growled. "Both of them have been kidnapped? This is ridiculous!"

* * *

When Nadir arrived at the cellar ten minutes later, Christine shoved the letter in his face.

"Erik has gotten himself kidnapped by a group of Raoul/Christine shippers!"

"Really?"

"Yes. Now what am I supposed to do? The E/C Shippers United are going to torture Raoul unless I stay with Erik, which I can't do because he's been kidnapped by the Friends-of-the-Fop Society, who are demanding I return to Raoul, which I can't do because he's been kidnapped by the E/C Shippers United!"

Nadir stared at the furious woman and blinked.

"Uh… I don't know."

"This is so _stupid_." Christine moaned, sitting down. "It's not like any of this is MY fault! Why can't they sort it out themselves?"

"What am I going to do, Nadir? If I try and talk to either society, the other one will torture whichever guy they kidnapped. This is ridiculous."

Nadir considered and then said,

"You could try asking Madame Giry. She seems to know everything that's going on." Christine looked up at him.

"That's not a bad idea. Let's go."

* * *

Madame Giry was having a very bad day. The ballet girls hadn't practised properly, most of them had fallen over, Carlotta was throwing a tantrum and the managers were flirting with the dancers again. Monsieur Reyer had already walked out, leaving her to cope by herself.

She was considering buying a foghorn, just so she could stop everyone talking.

Then one of the ballet girls screamed, "_It's the phantom of the opera_!" and pointed to a mysterious figure in a black cloak that had just appeared on the stage. Everyone leapt back as the hood lowered… to reveal Christine, looking irritable.

"Oh, don't be so stupid. Do I look like a phantom? Madame Giry, I need help."

"Christine, what are you doing here?" Madame Giry asked, bewildered. "Is that Nadir?"

He waved vaguely at her, staring in disbelief at the elephant model on the stage next to him. Christine rolled her eyes and waved the two notes at her.

"Look at this! Erik and Raoul have both gotten themselves kidnapped and everyone expects _me_ to sort it out!"

"Kidnapped?" Madame Giry said, reading the notes. Whilst she read, Meg hugged Christine tightly.

"Christine, I missed you! You never call!"

"I've been busy. With the phanfiction and kidnapping and everything…" Christine explained. Meg shrugged and smiled.

"Don't worry about it. We can hang out now!"

"Actually, I kind of need to rescue Erik and Raoul… but after that we'll _definitely_ hang out! We can get a pizza or something."

"Ooh, with pineapple?" Meg asked.

"NO!" Christine and Nadir both shouted.

Everyone fell silent, staring at them. Christine cleared her throat.

"I've rather gone off pineapple. Look, I need to find out where Erik and Raoul are being held and rescue them. But I need the societies to think that I'm still here. Is there someone who could pretend to be me and stay in the cellars whilst I'm gone? They might be watching the cellar."

No one spoke. And then Meg said,

"Got it!"

"What?" Everyone asked. Meg grinned at her own ingenuity.

"Well, they can't be watching _all_ the time. Just get that creepy mannequin out, stick some clothes on it, Mama can move it around occasionally and answer the emails."

Christine stared at her friend and then smiled.

"Meg, you're a genius!"

"Yeah, I know." The blonde ballerina grinned. Madame Giry cleared her throat.

"And what makes you think I'm going to do it? Why don't you do it, Meg?"

"Because I'm going with Christine." Meg said firmly.

**A/N: Sorry about the short chapter. I just finished _Cold, Cold Heart_ and I'm feeling a little bit written-out. More soon, promise!**


	8. In Which Christine Meets A Source

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 8**

Nadir was starting to regret taking on this mission. As he waited outside the Opera Populaire for Christine and Meg to change into some more suitable clothes (let's fact it, corsets just _aren't_ practical) he began to wonder exactly WHY it was that he was here.

Before he could think of an answer to this question, Meg moved out of the doorway, humming the Mission Impossible theme to herself. She was dressed completely in black with a ski hat in her hands. Nadir blinked.

"I didn't realise we would be needing ninjas."

"Come on, you think I want to be stuck as a ballerina for the rest of my life? I've been working on other things too, keeping my options open. I'm a member of the Indian Jones club, the Mission Impossible club AND the James Bond club." Meg said, waving her membership cards at him.

Nadir was definitely regretting this. Especially when Christine came rushing out, cooing about how 'cute' the black ninja outfits were. He sighed.

"Can we go now?"

"Go where? We don't know where they are." Christine pointed out. Nadir hesitated.

"Well… I can go and see my sources again."

"Where did you get sources?" Meg asked curiously. Nadir looked at her flatly.

"Why is it that no one believes that I have a life outside of Erik? I do go out occasionally. I have a social life! I have friends who _aren't_ living in a basement!"

Meg and Christine exchanged an ashamed glance.

"Sorry Nadir." Meg muttered. Christine mumbled an apology too and Nadir sighed.

"Never mind. Come on, let's get moving."

* * *

Nadir's source turned out to be an elderly woman in a knitting shop. Ignoring the giggles of Christine and Meg, he crossed to her and spoke quietly whilst the girls waited outside.

"OK, so let's assume that we get both guys back in one piece. What are you going to do then?" Meg asked. Christine blinked at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, are you going to go with Raoul or Erik?"

"Meg, I'm _married_ to Raoul. The whole 'til-death-do-us-part' deal."

"I know, but… come on; Erik is totally gaga about you."

Puzzled at both the situation and her friend's use of the phrase 'gaga' Christine shrugged.

"Let's just get them both back to begin with. That'll do for a start."

"Yeah but-"

"Meg, just stop. It's too much for my brain." Christine moaned, rubbing her head.

"Do you reckon the knitting lady can actually help?" Meg said, nodding towards the old lady. Apparently there were some communication problems as Erik was waving his arms around and shouting.

"If she can hear a word he's actually saying." Christine noted dryly.

A few minutes later, Nadir emerged looking triumphant.

"The headquarters of the E/C Shippers united. Got an address."

"Where is it?" Christine asked. He handed her a piece of paper and she stared at it. "Where is this?"

"It's here, in Paris. About two streets over." Nadir commented.

Meg considered the situation.

"Am I going to need the grappling hooks and ropes?"

"I don't know. Let's go and see them first. Then we can find out where the Friends-of-the-Fop are." Nadir replied.

"I hope we do. I haven't had a chance to use my new crossbow yet." Meg said cheerfully as they set off.

* * *

Meg insisted on driving them to the headquarters in her new Land Rover. She was extremely proud of this vehicle. When they climbed out Christine looked at Nadir sceptically.

"Are you sure about this place?"

"This is the address she gave me." He said weakly.

They were stood in front of a toyshop.

Meg tilted her head, her blonde hair swinging in its ponytail.

"Maybe it's a cunning disguise."

"Well, let's just ask." Christine suggested. Nadir stared at her.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"I don't see why we should bother them. I mean-"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Nadir! Don't be such a _baby_." Christine said crossly opening the door to the toyshop, Meg beside her.

A cheerful teenager smiled at her.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I hope so. I'm looking for someone at this address." Meg said. "A Raoul de Chagny."

The pencil that the girl was holding snapped. Meg and Christine stepped back slightly as the girl narrowed her eyes.

"What do you want with him?"

"Uh… I just happened to hear that he was here." Meg said in a conspiratorial whisper. The girl looked around and then whispered,

"Are you a member?"

"A member? Oh, of the E/C Shippers United?"

"Shh! _Secret_ headquarters!" The girl hissed. Meg grinned.

"No, I'm not. But I want to join."

"OK, fill in this application form." The girl said, tossing it to her.

Meg turned to Christine and Nadir.

"I'm going to check this out. You guys go and find Erik."

"Are you sure?" Christine asked. Meg nodded and grinned evilly.

"I just got Chinese throwing stars for my birthday. Been dying to try them out!"

"Be careful, OK?" Christine said, hugging her friend. Meg saluted her.

"I will be. Go and find out where Erik is."

* * *

Nadir and Christine drove through the streets of Paris to Nadir's next source.

"Where do you _get_ sources?" Christine asked curiously. Nadir said,

"Friends of friends mostly. Occasionally people I meet at the pub. Social groups, that kind of thing."

"Oh. OK."

She sat in silence for a moment.

"Where did you meet the old lady?"

"Dorothy. I met her through Stacy, who is dating Roy, who works at the pub down the street." Nadir said.

"So who's our next source?" Christine asked.

"John."

"And you know him how?"

"He's Joseph Buqet's second cousin's wife's stepbrother."

"Oh." Christine said. She considered this for a moment and then said, "Can I talk to him too?"

"Why?"

"I'm curious about sources." She admitted. "I don't have any."

* * *

John was a red-faced man sat in a bar. Nadir slid into the seat beside him.

"John."

"Naddy."

"Please, John, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me that." Nadir said, irritably. John grinned and then caught sight of Christine who was looking curiously around the dingy bar.

"Who's the hotty?" He leered. Christine glared at him.

"She's married!"

"Congratulations!" John shouted, slapping Nadir on the back. Christine rolled her eyes.

"Oh for goodness' sake."

"I'm not married to her, John. I need some information."

"Anything for Naddy and his missus." John lurched, wobbling on his barstool. Nadir groaned but pressed on.

"We're looking for a society. It's quite urgent that we find them. The Friends-of-the-Fop Society."

John stared at him blearily and drained half a pint of beer in one gulp. Christine had to admit, she was rather impressed. She had never seen someone drink that much before. Raoul didn't like alcohol and Erik only drank brandy at Christmas. Presumably whilst wearing the jumper from his mother.

"Do you know anything about them?" She asked John. He belched impressively.

"Yeah. They've got a headquarters in the bakery three streets over."

"A bakery?" Nadir asked sceptically. Christine looked at him pointedly.

"The last lot were in a toyshop. Why do you find that odd?"

John was watching her a little closely Christine was beginning to regret wearing the ninja outfit. Cute, it might be, but it was also tight fitting. Luckily Meg had equipped her with a crossbow, grappling hook, rope, pepper spray, knives, missiles and lip-gloss. When asked about the last one, Meg had simply told her to watch Charlie's Angels. Apparently it was good to look cool whilst fighting evil.

Christine felt a bit like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If Buffy had dressed like a ninja and dealt with drunkards. Nadir nodded.

"Thanks John."

"Welcome. Have a drink before you go." He offered. Nadir was about to say no when Christine interrupted.

"We'd love to."

"We would?" Nadir asked her. She nodded and smiled brightly.

"I want to ask him about being a source!"

Two hours later, they finally emerged from the bar. Nadir held Christine up. Apparently the singer had a very low tolerance for alcohol and was now ranting about how much she wanted to be a source.

He was definitely regretting taking on this mission.


	9. In Which We Meet Dennis

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 9**

"Dum, dum, dum-dum, dum, dum, dum-dum…" Meg whispered, edging along a dark corridor. The Mission Impossible theme tune was now firmly stuck in her head. Stupid catchy tunes.

The girl in the shop had let her into the Headquarters after she had filled out the application form.

"There's probably no one down there, but you can have a look around." She said dismissively, pulling a lever to reveal a secret corridor.

Meg paused outside a door and listened. She couldn't hear anything from inside and she peered through the keyhole. It was a computer room. No doubt for reading E/C fics and discussing their favourite couple over the internet. She moved along to the next door before pausing and flicking open her tracker. It would reveal heat sources in a thirty metre radius. Sure enough, a blip showed up. She moved towards it, whistling the tune cheerfully.

The source seemed to be coming from behind a door to her left. She drew out her gun, holding it up before bursting through the door. In front of her was a kitchen. The heat source was simply an oven with a pan set on top. She frowned.

"Damn." She took out the heat tracker again, moving around corridors. After a few minutes, another source came up. She threw open the door and grinned.

"Raoul!"

Raoul looked up in surprise. He was tied to a support beam and he didn't look good. Mostly because large chunks of his hair had been snipped off and his shirt was full of holes.

"Meg! Oh thank god you're here! These people are crazy! They keep coming in and taking my hair and taking pieces of my shirt to sell on e-bay!"

Meg went over to him and said,

"Don't worry about. I'll get you out of here."

"Where's Christine?" He asked.

"Oh, she's gone to rescue Erik with Nadir. He got kidnapped as well, by a group of Raoul phans."

Raoul stared at her.

"Let me get this straight – my wife has gone off to rescue another man and sent her best friend in to save _me_?"

"She had to. The girl upstairs was kinda suspicious. I only just got past her." Meg said, untying him. Raoul looked very putout. Meg patted him on the shoulder.

"Oh, don't be too upset. Nadir went with her so it's not as if Christine and Erik will get any time alone to-"

"To WHAT?" Raoul demanded. Meg bit her tongue.

"Uh… play scrabble."

Raoul looked at her suspiciously and then shrugged.

"I suppose that's alright. Christine's not very good at scrabble."

Meg blinked. This guy was lucky he was pretty, because he sure didn't have a lot else going for him. Except for the vast amounts of money. And good dress sense. And the big house.

"Can we get out of here?" Raoul asked. Meg nodded.

"Sure. Let's find you some new clothes. And you're really going to need a haircut." Raoul whimpered, touching his remaining hair. Meg rolled her eyes.

"Oh, don't be a baby!"

"I'm not. I just like my hair." Raoul said, pouting. Meg groaned.

"Let's just go."

But before they could get more than a few paces, several people burst into the room, holding various weapons.

"Step _away_ from the fop!" One of them shouted. Meg held up her hands and elbowed Raoul to do the same.

"Who are you?" The leader of the group said to Meg.

"Meg Giry."

"No _way_! THE Meg Giry?" One of them said excitedly. Meg grinned.

"That's me!"

"What are you doing here? Why are you helping the fop escape?"

"I AM NOT A FOP!" Raoul shrieked. Meg shrugged.

"Breaking him out. It's really not fair to hold him here, you know."

"He had it coming." The leader growled.

Meg sighed.

"Look, I'm just following orders. Christine and Nadir asked me to get him out."

"Christine would. The cheating whore." Some grumbled.

"Hey, that's my wife!" Raoul said crossly.

"Point proven!"

"No, it's not what you think. She was staying with Erik so you wouldn't hurt Raoul, but then Erik got kidnapped by The Friends-of-the-Fop society. So she's gone off to rescue Erik, with Nadir, and I came here to get Raoul out." Meg said amiably.

It took a moment for the E/C Shippers to understand this information. The leader, a woman clutching a pickaxe, said,

"So… Erik's been kidnapped by fop-lovers?"

"Yup. But Christine's getting him out. So… Raoul and I will just be on our way." Meg said taking Raoul's arm. The weapons all lifted again and Meg paused.

"Or… we could hang out here for a while."

"But why didn't Christine come for Raoul?" One of the shippers asked curiously. Raoul stepped forward and smiled.

"Oh, it's something to do with scrabble."

They all looked at him blankly and Meg hissed,

"Raoul, do us both a favour and just don't talk, OK?"

"OK." Raoul whispered back. Meg turned to the shippers.

"OK, guys, here's the deal – I _really_ don't want to have my hair cut off."

"Why would we cut _your_ hair off? E/C shippers don't have a problem with you." The leader pointed out. Meg grinned.

"Great! But Christine's really counting on me to get Raoul out of here."

"Well, that's tough luck. Because she and Erik belong together." Said a shipper firmly. The other shippers all nodded in agreement. Meg considered.

"OK… What if you let us go, but I make sure that Christine stays with Erik?"

"Hey!" Raoul objected but she hushed him.

"How are you going to do that?" The leader demanded. Meg grinned.

"She's my best friend. She'll listen to me. After all, we talk about everything."

The shippers huddled together, discussing it. Raoul tapped Meg's shoulder.

"Excuse me, but you do remember that I'm married to her don't you?"

"Raoul, trust me. I'll get us past these weirdos. I'm a cute, sweet, innocent little ballerina."

"With Chinese throwing stars." Raoul pointed out. She smiled sweetly.

"And I know how to use them. So keep your mouth shut or we'll never get out of here."

* * *

Christine and Nadir looked at the bakery doubtfully.

"It's so…"

"Foppish." Christine finished his sentence. Nadir scratched his head, considering the decorated shop.

"Well… shall we give it a try?"

"Might as well."

They pushed open the door and Nadir approached the elderly lady sat at the counter. She smiled brightly.

"How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for the Friends-of-the-Fop society." Nadir said quietly. The woman stared at him blankly.

"The what?"

"I don't think this is the right address." Christine hissed at Nadir. He sighed.

"I suppose you're right. I'll have to try a different source."

"Wait. Maybe you should talk to my daughter." The woman said doubtfully. She called into the back of the shop and a cheerful young woman stepped out.

"These people are looking for some society."

"The Friends-of-the-Fop." Nadir confirmed.

The woman smiled delightedly.

"Oh! Would you like to join? We're always on the lookout for new members!"

"Uh… not exactly." Nadir said and looked at Christine. She stepped forward and smiled in a friendly way.

"I have a slight problem. I know you have The Phantom of the Opera held prisoner and it's _really_ urgent that you let him go."

The woman looked at her coldly.

"Why would we do that? He's breaking up Raoul and Christine, when they _clearly_ belong together."

"Yes, I know. But… can we trust you?" Christine asked. This woman seemed nice and reasonably sane.

"Of course you can."

"What's your name?"

"Dennis."

Christine and Nadir stared at her. She shrugged.

"My mother has a warped sense of humour."

"OK… well, the thing is Dennis, that I _am_ Christine de Chagny." Christine said. Dennis looked at her in amazement.

"Really? Well, what are you doing here?"

"I came to rescue Erik. But not because I'm cheating on Raoul with him! Raoul's been kidnapped by some Erik/Christine shippers. Meg Giry is breaking him out as we speak. And I came to help Erik because I couldn't get past the E/C shippers. But I was hoping that the R/C shippers might be a little saner and would understand my predicament."

Dennis considered her and then folded her arms.

"How do I know you're not just making this up so you can run off with Erik?"

"Dennis, I am married to Raoul. And I do love Raoul. Yes, I love Erik too, but I made a commitment and I'm sticking too it. But I can't get Raoul back without Erik." Christine explained. Dennis didn't look convinced and Nadir stepped in.

"Miss Dennis, I can vouch for Christine. If it will help, I will send Christine back to the cellar at the Opera House and I will stay here to collect Erik."

Dennis looked doubtful. She sighed.

"I'm going to have to ask the others about this."

"Others?"

"The other shippers." Dennis explained. She went to a door that clearly led into a basement and called down,

"Guys! Is it OK if I let Erik go?"

"No!" Came the reply.

"OK!" Dennis called back and turned to Christine and Nadir. "They said no."

"Oh, come on. At least let us argue our case!" Nadir objected.

Dennis sighed and went back to the basement door.

"Guys, we're coming down." She looked back at the pair. "Come on then."

They went down the stairs into a large basement. Around thirty people were sat at computers, reading, chatting, emailing. From somewhere floated the song _All I Ask Of You_. Christine hummed along cheerfully as the shippers looked around at them.

"Oh my god! It's Daroga!" A girl squealed. Dennis held up her hands to calm them down.

"We've got a problem."

She quickly explained the situation and then looked at Christine.

"So… what do we do? Obviously we don't WANT to let Erik go, but if it's putting Raoul in danger…" She said doubtfully. A teenage boy put his hand up.

"What if _we_ keep Christine here, send Erik along to the E/C Shippers with Nadir in return for Raoul, have Nadir bring Raoul back here and then send Raoul and Christine back to their estate? Wouldn't that work?"

Everyone considered. Nadir nodded.

"That might work."

"Except that there's the chance that Erik decides he doesn't _want_ to help Raoul escape." Christine pointed out. She looked around.

"Where is he, anyway?"

"In the closet." Dennis said. Christine stared at her and then looked at the closet. She moved towards it and pressed and ear against the door.

"Erik? Are you in there?"

"Christine? Christine, is that you?" Erik's stricken voice called back. Christine pulled the door opened and Erik fell out. He stared up at her wondrously.

"Christine! It IS you! Oh thank GOD you're here! They won't stop playing that bloody song!" He cried, throwing his arms around her legs and hugging her tightly.

Christine patted his head.

"There there. It's OK now."

"Make it stop… make the song stop…" He blubbered. Christine rolled her eyes and looked at Dennis.

"Can you shut the song off?" Dennis flicked a switch and the song abruptly stopped. Most of the shippers were glowering at Erik, who was still clinging to Christine's legs. She looked down at him.

"Erik, could you please stand up?"

Trembling, he got to his feet. Christine looked at Nadir who nodded at her. She turned back to Erik.

"Erik? I'm going to take you home OK?"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Dennis objected and Christine turned on them furiously.

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Look what you've done to him! The Phantom of the Opera reduced to a quivering wreck. It's pitiful."

"You shouldn't have gone to stay with him." A shipper muttered. Christine glared at her.

"Frankly it's none of your business what I do with my life! I'm sick of it! Writing phanfiction is one thing, but interfering in my business is something else entirely! I'm getting Erik out of here and I'm going to find Raoul."

She took Erik's arm and guided him to the door. Dennis looked guiltily at Nadir who shrugged.

"She's a singer. She's bound to be a little temperamental." And then he followed Christine upstairs.

**A/N: Heh. What do you think? I still haven't decided who Christine's going to end up with. I don't plan these chapters, I just sit down and write them. I'll just have to see what sort of mood I'm in **

**Gingalops: Just because I know you personally doesn't mean you're going to be getting your own way! Besides, I already named a character after you in one of my other stories. 'From Angel's Eyes.' So there. On the other hand, if you buy me a Mr Punjab, I may just reconsider… **


	10. In Which We Meet Donald

**A Defensive Situation **

**Part 10**

They sat in the back of the land rover and Christine checked to see if Erik was alright.

"Erik? How do you feel?"

"Do you have any idea who _nauseating_ that song is?" Erik said in disgust. "It's horrible. So sappy."

"Erik, not the point." Christine said irritably.

Erik sniffled slightly and Christine patted his shoulder.

"Don't worry. They're not going to come back for you. We're going to go and find Meg and Raoul and then this whole ordeal will be over."

"Couldn't we just leave him there?" Erik asked.

"No. He's my husband."

"So?"

"So, I have to go and save him! I saved you, didn't I?" She pointed out.

Erik looked miserable but looked up as Nadir's mobile phone began to ring. He pulled it out.

"Hello?"

"Nadir, got a slight problem."

"Meg, what's wrong?"

"Well… I got in. I found Raoul. I was just setting him free. And then we got caught by a bunch of E/C shippers. So now they're holding me prisoner as well." Meg said miserably.

"I thought they liked you?"

"They do. That's why they're not cutting off my hair. Anyway, they said the only way they'll let us go is if Christine comes along and brings Erik with her."

"We're on our way." Nadir said, and glanced at the pair who were back to arguing.

"Will you _stop_ being such a baby? They weren't that bad! At least they only locked you in a cupboard; God only knows what your phans are doing to Raoul!" Christine said furiously. Erik glared at her.

"Well, if the silly prat hadn't gotten himself kidnapped in the first place, it wouldn't be a problem!"

"If you could control those screaming phangirls for five minutes, I wouldn't have had to drag myself all the way out here to rescue from a bakery, run by a woman called _Dennis_!" Christine screeched.

Nadir sighed.

"Well, _I'm_ on my way, at least."

"Thanks Nadir." Meg hung up. Nadir climbed into the driver's seat and they began to head back to the toy shop. Eventually the constant bickering began to grate on his nerves.

"Look, will you two just shut up?" He snapped.

Erik and Christine looked at him in surprise and he glared at them.

"I'm fed up with this! I want to go home, but I can't because of you lot. I don't know why I'm bothering!"

"Sorry, Nadir." Erik mumbled. Christine apologised too and then glared at Erik.

"You upset Nadir."

"You upset him more!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh!"

Nadir began to bang his head against the steering wheel.

* * *

The girl in the toyshop looked considerably less helpful now. She glared at them.

"Look, I don't know who you think you are, but that girl you came in with last time caused a right mess downstairs!"

"Excuse me, miss, but do you know who I am?" Christine said icily. The girl glared.

"Yes, I do! You're some cheap Christine look-a-like!"

Nadir pushed the open-mouthed Christine out of the way and said,

"You have to let us down there."

"No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do, because we've got Erik the Phantom with us." Nadir said. The girl stared at him.

"What?"

"Look… I don't think we're communicating efficiently. This is the Phantom of the Opera. This is Christine Daae. We need to get downstairs _now_. So move." Nadir said, all manners gone out of the window. He was irritated and who could blame him? He'd had to put up with Christine and Erik bickering for the past twenty minutes.

The girl hesitated and then said,

"You should probably talk to the boss."

"The boss?"

"The president of the E/C Shippers United."

"OK… I'm sorry, what's your name?" Nadir asked. The girl pressed a button under the counter as she replied.

"Donald."

"…What?" Christine said, disbelievingly.

"Donald. My mum has a-"

"Warped sense of humour?" Nadir asked. Donald nodded. Christine asked,

"I don't suppose you know a girl called Dennis do you? Works in a bakery across town?"

"She's my sister. We don't talk." Donald said coldly. Christine frowned.

"Why not?"

"She's a fop-lover." Donald said simply as a guy appeared from the back of the shop. "George, we've got a problem here."

"What is it Donny?" George said. His eyes settled on Erik and he grinned.

"Nice mask! Looks so authentic! Where did you get it?"

"Sir, I am Nadir Khan. I'd like to introduce my associates, Christine Daae and Erik the Phantom." Nadir said, shaking George's hand.

George's mouth dropped.

"You're joking?"

"No, sir, I can assure you that we're not. We're here to pick up Meg Giry and Raoul de Chagny." George narrowed his eyes.

"No way."

"OK, look. Raoul is my husband and if you don't get out of my way I'm going to get annoyed. And when I get annoyed I have a tendency to break things! You think Erik just taught me to sing? I can drop chandeliers as well as the next guy!" Christine said angrily. Erik couldn't help grinning.

"You made good progress with the chandeliers. Never really picked up on the fencing and note-writing though."

"It wasn't my thing." Christine agreed. George frowned.

"Why would you want Raoul? You've got Erik right here! He's much cooler."

"Not denying that." Erik said and Christine glared at him before turning to George.

"I am _married_ to Raoul. I have explained this over and over again. Till death do us part. And, no, that doesn't mean you can go and kill him. I just want to go home, but I can't do that until he's safe because I feel responsible for him." She explained. George didn't look the slightest bit convinced.

Christine turned to Erik in despair. He didn't look remotely convinced as was examining a small teddy bear. She punched his arm.

"Erik!"

"What?"

"A little support would be nice!"

"I was just looking at these bears… maybe I could get a friend for Mr Punjab."

"Oh, good God." Christine groaned. "Erik, will you please convince this nice man to release my husband and best friend so we can all go home?"

"Excuse me, Miss Donald, but how much is this bear?" Erik said, holding up a teddy.

"On the house for you, Monsieur Phantom!" Donald squealed. Erik smiled.

"Well, thank you! Now I can have a Mrs Punjab." He looked at Christine happily. She did not look impressed.

Erik sighed and put the toy down.

"I don't see why I should tell him to let the fop go. If he stays here, you can come home with me."

"Erik, it's not that I don't like hanging out with you in the cellar of the opera house and watching Buffy… but I want to go home. I want to get Raoul home, get his mind off of phanfiction and just put this whole ordeal behind me." Christine said soothingly. Erik frowned.

"All of it? What about when we ordered pizza and you gave me your pineapple?"

"I don't like pineapple." She reminded him.

"Yes, but are you saying that that pineapple meant _nothing_ to you?"

Christine felt like crying with frustration. She turned to George.

"Take us to Raoul and Meg. We can sort things out when I've seen them."

"Well… OK." George said, although he seemed torn between not wanting a reunion between Raoul and Christine and the honour of having Erik the Phantom in the headquarters of the E/C Shippers United.

They set off downstairs, through various twisting corridors. Erik grinned as he heard _The Point of No Return_.

"Hey, remember this song, Christine?" You were totally falling for me during it."

"I was _not_." Christine said sharply.

"Were too! You were practically drooling." Erik said firmly. Christine stopped and looked at him.

"Erik, I was not drooling. I was tempting you into a trap, remember?"

"But falling for me."

"No! And frankly, I think it was a stupid idea, showing up in the middle of the show like that, swirling your cape around and wearing insanely tight trousers!"

She stormed ahead. Erik chased after her indignantly.

"I was pouring out my heart and soul to you! And what did you do? Ripped my bloody mask off, in front of everyone!"

"You deserved it! Running your hands all over me, while Raoul was standing right there!" Christine said angrily.

"You weren't objecting at the time! You weren't in _The Music of the Night_ either!"

"Well, you were the one who sent me away, Erik! And, for future reference, when a girl kisses you, puts on your engagement ring and asks where she's sleeping, that is NOT your cue to say '_Take her, forgive me, forget all of this_! You sent _me_ away, Erik! So don't act like all of this is MY fault! If you'd just freaking accepted the fact that I wanted to stay, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place!" Christine screamed.

Erik's mouth fell open. So did Nadir's, George's and Donald's. Christine realised what she'd just said and turned away brusquely, heading towards the door they had stopped outside of.

"Is this it?" She asked George. He nodded wordlessly and she pushed it open.

Raoul and Meg were stood just inside the room. They had heard exactly what Christine had said. And Raoul did not look particularly happy.

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long! A mild case of writer's block. Hope this chapter is good! I quite enjoyed it. **

**Lotsa luv**

**Katie**


	11. In Which They Play I Spy

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 11**

Christine frowned slightly.

"Raoul, what's up with your hair?" His hands lifted defensively to his uneven locks. Meg stared at her.

"Christine…"

"Come on, let's just get out of here. I'm having a really bad day." Christine said grumpily. Raoul shook his head.

"No. We're not going anywhere. Not until you explain what you just said."

Christine flushed red.

"OK, you weren't supposed to hear that."

"Well I did. So you should probably explain it." Raoul said, folding his arms and pouting. Erik smirked.

"Isn't it obvious, fop? She wanted to stay with me."

"Erik!" Christine said furiously. But Raoul was already staring at her in dismay.

"Christine?"

"Raoul… oh for god's sake, I _really_ don't need an audience for this!" Christine snarled. She seized Meg, threw her through the door, went into the room and slammed the door behind her, shutting herself and Raoul inside.

Erik stared blankly at the door and then looked at Nadir.

"Is this a good sign or a bad one?"

Nadir shrugged helplessly. Donald ground her teeth.

"Urgh, Dennis is _never_ going to stop rubbing it in if Christine goes back to the fop!"

"To be fair, she never left him." Meg pointed out. Donald glared at her.

"Shut up, Giry."

George settled himself on the floor.

"Well, we might as well wait for them to finish. And if she chooses the fop, we'll just kill him and force her back to Erik."

"You bloody well won't!" Erik said. "I can get a girl without a fan club, you know!"

"Erik, what's a romantic evening?" George asked.

"A night at the opera, a few punjabbings and a chandelier crash." Erik said instantly. George lifted an eyebrow,

"Point proven."

"Or some Buffy, milk, smartie cookies and pizza without pineapple." Erik corrected himself. Nadir nodded.

"OK, he gets points for that one."

"Will you people shut up?" Donald said crossly.

They all turned. She and Meg were at the door with a set of odd-looking equipment.

"What are you doing?"

"Spying. Now shut up, I can't hear what's going on." Meg said, fiddling with some dials.

"Where the hell did she get that stuff?" Erik asked.

"You're not making my job here any easier, you know." Meg said crossly.

They fell silent and waited. Eventually Meg gave a _ha_ of approval and flicked a switch. Christine and Raoul's voices floated from a small speaker. But before they could hear anything, Christine shrieked,

"MEG, TURN IT OFF!"

Meg hastily flicked the switch and stared at the shut door.

"How _does_ she do that?" She said wonderingly.

* * *

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with… D." Erik said, staring at Donald. She glared at him.

"Is it Donald?" She asked dryly.

Erik, who turned out not be so quick at this particular game, was now thoroughly convinced that she was cheating. She'd beaten him every single time. And she wasn't as nice as Dennis. Dennis had given him cookies whilst he'd been locked in the cupboard. She'd been OK, for a fop lover.

"OK, fine. Nadir's turn." He said sulkily. Nadir sighed.

"Very well. I spy with my little eye something beginning with B."

"Box!" Erik said, pointing at Meg's box. Nair shook his head.

"No."

"Er…" Erik said, looking around the narrow corridor, where they were all sat on the floor. George interrupted.

"Ballerina."

"Correct." Nadir said and Erik scowled, mentally adding George to his 'To Be Punjabbed' list.

"My turn. I spy with my little eye something beginning with M." Meg said.

"Meg!" Erik said eagerly. She shook her head.

"Nope."

"Man." Erik said, pointing at George. Nadir frowned.

"What am I then?"

"You're not anything beginning with an M, so be quiet." Erik said, looking around.

"Is it Mask?" Nadir asked. Meg nodded and Erik glared at them all.

"This game is stupid." He muttered.

They had been waiting outside the door for over two hours now and had exhausted all forms of entertainment. Erik sighed and looked over at the door.

"What is taking them so long?"

"It's not something that's going to happen quickly. They're trying to resolve their marriage. It's a long, difficult process." Meg pointed out. Donald and George both glared at her and she glared back.

"Well, they are! Honestly. You're supposed to support Christine. If she chooses Raoul, it's got nothing to do with you. You're really not making things any easier on her, you know. It's her life, in case you've forgotten. And, just for the record, even if Raoul and Christine DO break up, there is no way that I would ever date him!"

"Really?" Donald said, surprised. Meg pulled a face.

"_Ew_. Hello, my best friend's ex? There are rules, you know. Plus, he's too cute. I need someone more manly!"

"Like who?" Erik asked curiously. Meg shrugged.

"I don't know… James Marsters?"

"You're a Buffy fan?" Erik said excitedly.

"Of course. And no, Donald, just because Erik and I have ONE thing in common, it does not mean that we're likely to get together either!" She said to the interested phan.

Nadir sighed and checked his watch.

"Is there a phone I could use? I'm going to have to cancel my squash game."

"Who do you play with? Does Erik play?" Donald asked curiously. Nadir ground his teeth and Meg jumped in.

"He has other friends. And he's very touchy about it."

"Oh… yeah, sure, there's one down the hall." Donald said, getting to her feet and leading Nadir away. George stood too.

"I'm going to check on the other shippers. I may have updates to catch up on."

Meg and Erik sat in the hallway, Meg flicking through a magazine and Erik staring forlornly at the closed door. He sighed heavily and Meg glanced up.

"Erik, don't you want her to be happy?"

"Of course I do."

"Then let _her_ choose. OK? She has to decide this for herself. It's not easy, you know. It's not just the phans who are causing trouble. You and Raoul really aren't helping."

Erik didn't reply. Meg turned back to her magazine.

"If it were me, I'd drop you both. You're just lucky she's a softie." She said casually. "Oh look, Jennifer Lopez is getting engaged again…"

She began to read the article and Erik began to think about what she'd said. It didn't help that he had grown up getting everything he wanted. A little chandelier chaos every now and again worked wonders. But somehow, he didn't think that would help in this particular scenario.

* * *

Christine and Raoul sat in silence, having talked everything out. And it had only taken five hours. Raoul looked across at her.

"Shall we go and tell everyone what we've decided?" Raoul asked and Christine nodded.

"Yeah. We really shouldn't put it off any longer. But Christine?"

She looked at him. He had an awkward look on his face.

"What is it?" She asked in concern.

"Before we go out there…"

"Yes?"

"…Can you do something about my hair?" He asked. Christine eyed the tattered locks and sighed.

"Yeah. Sit down. You'll have to have short hair for a while, but it'll grow."

Meg looked around at the others, who had all returned.

"I think they're moving around. They might be coming out." She said. Sure enough, a few moments later, the door opened and Raoul and Christine appeared. Christine smiled.

"Sorry for making you all wait."

"What did you decide?" Donald asked eagerly.

Raoul and Christine looked at each other with slight smiles and then Raoul hesitated.

"Is there someone missing?" They looked around. Nadir frowned.

"Where's Erik?"

**A/N: Sorry about the shortness. Bad couple of days at school and a mild case of writer's block. Looks like you'll have to wait to find out who Christine's chosen! And just because I'm an E/C shipper, it does NOT necessarily mean this will be an E/C story. So don't get your hopes up.**

**Lotsa luv 'n' huggles**

**Katie**


	12. In Which The Story Ends

**A Defensive Situation**

**Part 12**

Erik sat glumly at his desk, playing with his model opera house. It had been two days since he'd come back. Suddenly, as if by some unknown power from above, he had realised that Christine wasn't going to choose him. So he'd left before he could hear her say it. That would just be rubbing salt into the wound.

He sighed and picked up the little model of himself.

"Take a word of advice from me. Women are trouble. Just avoid them if at all possible. Especially the pretty singing ones." He said sadly. He glanced over at the Christine model and showed it to the Erik model.

"Sure, she's hot. She sings amazingly. And, yes, she'll even kiss you. Twice, if you can believe it. But then she just runs off to her happily-ever-after ending with a fop. I know – a _fop_. And then she leaves you to rot in the cellar with no one but a Persian and Buffy for company."

He sighed, resting his head on his hands.

"You're better off just not falling love, because it just screws things up. For everyone. Including her." He glanced at the smiling Christine model. "Because we want her happy, remember? That's the important thing."

Erik put the models back and sighed for a third time. Buffy would be starting in a moment, but he just couldn't work up the enthusiasm he used to have for it. He stared at the models again and, after looking around to make sure no one was watching, picked up the Erik and Christine models.

"_I love you, Christine!_" He said in a deep voice, moving the Erik model. He wiggled the Christine one around.

"_I love you too, Erik! Come here and let me kiss you. Mwah, mwah, mwah_." He made smooching sounds, pressing the figures together.

"What the hell are you doing?" Said an incredulous voice.

Erik swore, dropped the models, banged his legs on the table as he jumped in shock and fell sideways off his chair. From the doorway, Christine watched curiously. He stared at her from the floor.

"Christine?" She moved forward and helped him up. He brushed himself off and gazed at her. "What are you doing here? Where's the fop?"

"_Raoul_ is at his house, I assume. Are you OK?" She said vaguely. "You banged your legs."

Erik didn't reply. He turned, straightened his chair and sat in it again, looking determinedly away from her.

"Your things are packed. They're in your room." He said quietly. Christine lifted an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about? Erik, why did you run off like that?"

He looked up at her crossly.

"Did you really think that I wanted to hang around whilst you let the fop drool over you? No, I was getting out of there ASAP."

"You didn't even hear my decision."

"Kinda the point." Erik muttered, wandering over to the television and setting it on Buffy. Christine stared after him.

"Erik-"

"Buffy is on." He said pointedly.

Christine folded her arms crossly.

"_Fine_. If you want me to go, I'll go."

"That would be nice." He muttered sullenly. She glared at him.

"You're so… _petty_."

He didn't reply, glaring at the screen. Christine went to her bedroom and slammed the door shut as she fetched her things together. A moment later she emerged with her suitcase. She glanced over at Erik and strode past.

"Fop-boy didn't come to help?" Erik sneered. Christine glowered at him.

"No, _Raoul_ did not come. I'm sick of your mood swings Erik. I'm going to Meg's. At least she listens to me."

"Why Meg's? Why not just go to your fop-house?"

Christine threw her suitcase down, glaring at him and shouted,

"Because I don't live with Raoul anymore, Erik! Where do you think I've been for the past two days? I've been moving my stuff to Meg's house and filing for a divorce, you cretin! And I DID come here to tell you that I think we should give it a try but if you're not willing to listen to me, you can just bugger off!"

She seized her suitcase and marched towards the door. Erik gaped after her and jumped out of his chair.

"Wait! What was that?"

"You heard. But you're being so immature, I'm not sure I want to stay anymore." Christine said haughtily. Erik blinked.

"You… you…"

"Yes, Erik." She said quietly.

They gazed at each other and slowly began to move towards each other. Until the doorbell interrupted them.

"Pizza delivery for Mr O.G. Phantom!" A cheerful voice called. Erik ripped the door open to reveal a girl in a brightly coloured uniform that clashed terribly with her ginger hair. She smiled brightly.

"Hi there! My name's Kirstie and I'm delivering a large pizza with pepperoni, cheese and pineapple."

"I didn't order a pizza." He said, puzzled. Kirstie's smile widened.

"It comes with a note!"

She cleared her throat and began to read a message.

_To Erik the Phantom_

_Hope everything sorts itself out. Everyone at the E/C Shippers United are rooting for you! And here's a gift to remember us by. Feel welcome to call in at any time. Enjoy the pizza!_

_From George and Donald._

"There's also this." Kirstie said, holding up a small pink teddy bear, wearing a mask.

"Mrs Punjab!" Erik cried joyfully, snatching the bear and hugging it. Christine cleared her throat pointedly.

"Well, thank you for the pizza." She said, pushing Kirstie back through the door and closing it before the delivery girl could object. Erik blinked.

"That was rather rude."

"Erik-"

"Where's Mr Punjab? I want him to meet Mrs Punjab."

"I-"

"Should I write George and Donald a thank you note?"

"ERIK!"

He looked at her. She was fuming, eyes narrowed. He swallowed and took a step back.

"Pizza? I'll take the pineapple off." He offered nervously. Christine stared at him and then sighed.

"Erik? Put the pizza down."

He did so, placing Mrs Punjab next to it. Christine took a deep breath.

"OK, Erik, here's the deal. I want to stay here and give us a shot. But I've got a few conditions."

"Let's hear them."

"No more phanfiction. No more being mean about Raoul, who _will_ be visiting. And no waking me up in the middle of the night with songs."

"Deal." Erik said.

"And…" She said. Erik winced, waiting. "And _you're_ going to have to explain this to Dennis. She's coming for tea and she's bringing smartie cookies."

"Ooh, cookies!"

Christine nodded and then smiled.

"So we're settled?"

"Absolutely." Erika greed and stepped towards her, intending to kiss her. But she put a finger to his lips.

"Oh, and one last thing?"

"Yes?"

"If you _ever_ try to act out romances between us using that opera house I will recreate the disaster from upstairs. Arson will have a new meaning." She warned. Erik shrugged.

"OK. That's fair."

And he kissed her.

* * *

The story doesn't end there. Well, it sort of does. But there are a few things that need clearing up with the other characters.

Nadir retired from being Erik's errand boy. He demanded a pension from Erik, bought a charming house just outside of Paris and played squash once a week with Madame Giry. This did NOT inevitably lead to them falling in love.

Meg earned herself a position as a secret ninja for the government. She called in at the cellar once a week for tea with Erik and Christine, as well as visiting her mother. Madame Giry had been horrified that Meg did not want to be a ballerina, but had forgiven her eventually. Meg also made sure to visit Raoul. They had bonded during their captivity. And no, not in a sexual way. Nor did they ever get together.

Raoul took the divorce rather well, deciding that it was simply easier to avoid phans if he made sure that she stayed with Erik. He also went to tea occasionally and struck up a friendship with Dennis from the Friends-of-the-Fop society. This DID lead to a relationship and the last I heard, they were planning to make a movie about the kidnapping and use the profits to go on holiday.

Donald discovered that Erik and Christine had gotten together and was delighted. She and George got married and went on to create a new generation of E/C shippers.

Erik and Christine didn't _quite_ live happily ever after. They were happy, but had many arguments, many revolving around whether Buffy should be with Spike or Angel. But generally, they got along very well. With the help of many pineapples, cookies, milk and bottles of Nytol.

So the story didn't end there.

It ended here.

Thank you for sticking with it this long. You may now choose from the below options. You may choose to:

A – Hunt and kill the author for wasting an hour if your life which will not be returned.

B – Leave a review.

C – Leave a threatening review.

D – Send a threatening review that will inevitably have the words "a disaster beyond your imagination will occur."

E – Bang your head against the computer screen until all memories of this story have been erased from your brain.

Please choose an option now.

* * *

**Bonus Section**

_Dear Mademoiselle Kat097 a.k.a Katie_

_I recently discovered a story under your name on titled 'A Defensive Situation'. I would like to inform you that unless you make the following changes, I shall be forced to Punjab you for crimes against the Phantom of the Opera._

_Raoul de Chagny will be killed by my hand. Either by sword or hanging, you may choose. Christine will NOT be forced to treat me like a child. You will rewrite all sections containing information about myself so that I am not made out to be a pathetic excuse for a human being, but rather a mysterious and powerful presence in the world. _

_You will also remove all sections implying that I have an unhealthy addiction to milk or pineapple. Please try to make it something a little more manly, such as sandwiches or beer. Also remove the section concerning my _'Kiss the Cook' _apron. That belongs to Nadir and if I ever discover how you found out about it a disaster beyond your imagination will occur._

_I remain your obedient, if disgruntled, servant._

_O.G_

_PS: Please send me the address of the E/C Shippers United Club. Even I need a little appreciation now and again._

* * *

**A/N: LOL, I had a lot of fun with this story. I'm rather sorry that it's over! I hope you choose option B. Love you guys and my thanks go to Kirstie, or Gingalops, who would just not stop bugging me at school until I promised to let her appear. I'm glad you enjoyed it everyone! I can't believe how many reviews I've gotten for this. It's rather ridiculous but pleasing.**

**Love**

**Katie**


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